My too cool older sister and her husband are into the dramatic arts.
Flashback to 1997 when my brother in-law asked me if I’d like a small part in a play that he was directing.
Perfect….YES!….
Other than faking orgasms, I had never actually acted before.
This would be a new thing for me and perhaps would help with my stage fright and fear of public speaking.
And so I read for the part of Irving Pincus in The Hovey Player’s production of The Front Page.
I got the part natch (I was the only one that auditioned) and we started rehearsals.
My brother in-law had one major rule…and that was that when you entered the theatre, you were in character at all times.
Perfect.
I took it a step further…I stayed in character all of the time.
When the cast went for drinks….Pincus came along….food run….Irving here!……I annoyed early and often.
The printed program revealed that Pincus was indeed played by Pincus.
Pincus ain’t afraid to show his name…Pussies.
I didn’t stop there.
Seeing as the entire cast knew that this was my first time acting, I decided to take them under my wing.
I would offer unsolicited advice to cast members who had been acting for years.
Such gems as…..
“Acting…………is re-acting.”
“Don’t act like your character…..be your character.”
And the old Olivier favorite……
“Why don’t you just try acting?”
I would offer this one out of context which made it even funnier… to me.
Half the cast fucking hated me, the other half got the joke.
Two cast members even asked me out.
I told Mark and Paulo that as flattered as I was….. that Pincus was straight.
I don’t know what about me says gay…… but in Gay-O-Vision ™, I’m apparently Peter Allen.
Soylent Steve in Gay-O-Vision ™
No one knew what the fuck to think of me…..and to my brother in-law’s credit, he let me run wild.
My role as Irving Pincus consisted of two scenes…in the first I reluctantly take a bribe to become City Sealer..…later, I show up inebriated and ridden with guilt.
This was great because I got to weave through the audience with my drunken entrance…..they usually thought that someone was fucking up the play. (They weren’t far off…..I sucked)
Of course I would forget my lines, but hey…I was drunk.
One night I actually was drunk.
This old bag that was typecast as an old bag scolded me for drinking in the actor’s room during a performance.
We had recently got into a heated debate on the age old topic, Liz Taylor cunt/not a cunt……I took the pro-cunt side and put forth what I thought to be a very thoughtful and well laid out case……
Pincus is rockin’ the cunt vote.
Anyway, like some straight woman in a 3 Stooges short, she went off on me for having alcohol during a performance…..
Try this acting exercise:
Put a stick up your ass as you say her line…it’ll give you some vision as to her character…or better yet….Why don’t you just try acting?
Margaret Dontmont……….”Do you really think that it’s appropriate to consume alcohol during a performance?”
Most of you can pull the stick out now.
Irving Pincus……”Madame…I am a method actor….perhaps you should take your craft more seriously as well…..Acting after all…..is re-acting.”
I waved a fresh beer in front of her….
That was it for her and me.
For the cast party I came up with a great idea.
Unfortunately, Christopher Guest came up with the same idea and committed it to celluloid in a film that opened 3 weeks later.
Sigh…..
I took an old ALF lunchbox and turned it into an Irving Pincus lunchbox…..complete with a thermos.
I brought it to the cast party and told the cast that I would be setting up a table and selling/autographing Irving Pincus merchandise after the final show.
$12.99 while supplies last!
Pincus keeps your beverages cool!
By this time, most of the cast were on to me and got a kick out of it, but for a few others this was yet another thorn in their actory asses.
They complained bitterly to my brother in-law about the “dignity of the theater”……..”Another cheap stunt”….”threatening a cast member with a hot curling iron” (I did….long story)…..etc….
My brother in-law is one of the funniest people that I know and he answered by roaring with laughter at the absurdity of this.
In the end, I walked out of the Hovey Theater as Irving Pincus not revealing my identity…..to everyone’s annoyance.
Three weeks later my brother in-law invited me to opening night of Waiting for Guffman at The Kendall Square Cinemas in Cambridge….a bunch of cast members were going and had asked him to invite Pincus.
So we watched Guffman…..excellent movie.
Until the end….
That’s when Corky Sinclair shows off his Remains of the Day lunchbox.
Sigh…..you suck Chris Guest….honestly…if you’re having the same ideas as I am, you really blow. (A Mighty Wind really blew)
Now I have to explain to everyone that it’s a coincidence, that I couldn’t have plagiarized the idea if the film hadn’t even been out yet…..no one believed me.
Annoying….
So traumatized was I that I never set foot onstage again. (Or wasn’t asked to)
These days I’m concentrating on my writing….I’ve got an idea for a boy what goes to wizard school.
I know what you’re thinking….it’s not the same.
In mine, the boy gets raped repeatedly by a broom stick for like the first 31/2 books.
Larry Sodder and the broomstick of Assbitchya.
Stay tuned.
